Gloomy Sunday
by Soubi-san
Summary: Songfic! Cain has to face the loss of a very important person! Will he be able to go on? Please read and review!


_A/N:_ This is _AU_ (so there's no spoiler in this story). Riff died, protecting Cain from his father (Alexis is dead, too).

As I said, this is not a spoiler! If something like that really happens I didn't know about that because I only read "God Child" until book 4...

I hope you like it!

_Disclaimer:_ The mangas are from Kaori Yuki, the song belongs to Björk (and Sarah McLachlan, Sarah Brightman, Billie Holiday...). g There are many guys who sang this song, but my favorite version is Björk's.

**_Gloomy Sunday_**

_**Sunday is gloomy**_

_**The hours are slumberless**_

_**Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless**_

I haven't slept all night. All the time I just stared at the ceiling, trying to understand, to accept.

But I can't.

How can I accept that he's never going to come back? That I will never feel his arms around me again, that I will never again hear his calming voice...

Riff was everything to me - everything.

I wouldn't have been able to go through those hard times my father gave me without him. Now he's gone, this time for good, but Riff isn't there to be happy with me.

Today is his funeral, I don't want to go, I don't want to see his lifeless body again.

But I have to. There's no way to escape.

_**Little white flowers will never awaken you**_

_**Not were the black coach of sorrow has taken you**_

Someone knocks on my door, but I don't answer. It is as if I'm unable to form words.

The door opens, nontheless. When I turn my head I half-expect Riff to enter my room, carrying my breakfast, proving that it was all just a bad dream...

But of course it isn't Riff.

It is Uncle Neal and I turn my head away again. I know why he's here. He wants to tell me to get up, to come out, to go to the cemetery.

"Cain." His voice isn't strict anymore, it is gently and patient, and I almost feel bad for ignoring him. After a minute he tries again. "Cain, please come. I know it is hard, but you are strong enough. And Merryweather will need you."

Merry.

Yes, she took Riff's death very hard as well. I know that she misses him, too. I asked her if she wanted to stay at home during the funeral, but she had insisted in coming with us. She wanted to say goodbye.

Maybe she's stronger than me.

My uncle pulls the blankets away from me. "Get up now, Cain. You owe this to him." His voice isn't quite as gentle anymore, but I can tell that he isn't really mad.

Just concerned.

Slowly I get up, wash and cloth myself (Riff was the only one who was allowed to help me with that), then I put something into the pocket of my jacket, something important, and follow the older man downstairs.

Merry is wearing a beautiful black dress, her eyes are red from crying. When she sees me she runs towards me and throws herself into my arms. Of course I hold her, but somehow my heart isn't in it.

Then we drive to the cemetery. It's sunday and very few people are outside. The mist makes it impossible to see very far, everything is grey and depressing.

When we are there we enter the chapell. Merry holds onto my hand and I hear her quiet sobs. Uncle Neil is walking behind us and when we sit down he takes the seat next to me. Even though he has always been very strict to me he now tries to support me as best as he can. Obviously he knows how much Riff meant to me.

There are not many people, just a few. Most of my relatives, all except for Uncle Neil in fact, couldn't understand that I made such an expensive funeral for a mere servant.

Merry walks to the coffin and places some flowers in front of it.

She means well, but it doesn't help. He doesn't see the lilies, they won't bring him back.

_**Angels have no thougth of ever returning you**_

_**Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?**_

_**Gloomy Sunday**_

No, the flowers won't bring him back. And neither will hundrets of prayers.

I can pray to whomever I want. God, angels, saints...

They won't give him back to me.

There's nothing I can do to convince them that it wasn't his time yet, that I need him, that I cannot live without him. Maybe they don't even listen when I beg them, at night, alone. Maybe they don't care.

Would they care then if I followed him?

I took a small bottle of poison with me. That's what is in my pocket.

Nobody would notice if I took it into my hand and drank it right here. It works fast. I would suddenly just break down and die. Nobody would be able to help me.

Would that be a sin?

_**Gloomy Sunday**_

_**With shadows I spend it all**_

_**My heart and I have decided to end it all**_

It probably is.

But at the moment I really don't care, I just can't.

The priest is talking, speaking about Riff's life, but I cannot listen.

All I can think about is how easier it would be if I just drank the poison right now.

The more I think about it the better it seems. Yes, maybe I am a coward, but that doesn't matter to me. All that matters is Riff. I will see him again soon.

Yes, that is the only way.

My mind is made up.

_**Soon there'll be prayers**_

_**And candles are lit, I know**_

_**Let them not weep**_

_**Let them know that I'm glad to go**_

Yes, there'll be a second funeral soon. They will pray again, there will be even more candles than today. I'm the count, after all.

My other relatives will be there, hoping to get a big part of my money. No, they won't stay away, and they will talk about how much they liked me, how sad they are. Those and other lies will be told, but I won't be there to hear. I will be in Riff's arms.

But someone else will be there as well.

Merry and Uncle Neil.

They will be the only ones who will truly miss me. They won't be at my funeral, telling lies, crying tears they don't mean.

I know they care for me, even though I doubted my uncle's feelings for too long. But though he doesn't know how to express his feelings I know he cares deeply.

All I can do is hope that they won't cry too much, that they will know that I'll be happy to be with Riff.

Maybe they can find some comfort in this thought.

_**Death is a dream for in death I'm caressing you**_

_**With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you**_

_**Gloomy Sunday**_

It will be like a dream. He will hold me again in his strong arms which have been my refugee for such a long time.

Finally I will be able to tell him how I feel towards him, how much he means to me, how important he is to me - how much I love him...

In life I have never had the courage to do so, out of fear that he would leave me. But with his last breath he has told me that he loved me.

And my deepest regret is that I couldn't answer him. He lay there in my arms, dying, and I couldn't answer him, tell him that I feel the same for him. He looked at me, hoping that I would say something, anything, but I couldn't. I let him die, not knowing how I felt about him. Or maybe even thinking that I hate him now that he has told me.

But when I finally follow him, I can tell him all that. I can make it up to him and make him happy.

And finally I will be happy as well.

_**Dreaming**_

_**I was only dreaming**_

Then the funeral is over, we all walk towards the coffin to say farewell one last time. To see him once more.

He looks almost as if he is sleeping, he's still so handsome.

My fingers touch the pocket, feeling the bottle inside of it. Yes, I will be with him soon.

Then I feel someone pressing against me, seeking comfort.

Merry.

She's eleven now, she still needs me. I can see that when I look down at her and see the desperate look in her eyes. It is almost as if she knows what I was thinking about.

As if she's trying to hold me back.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder, and now I realise that I'm still standing before the coffin, staring at my former servant. I cannot move.

And now I know that being reunited with him so soon was just a wonderful dream, it can't come true - not yet. There are still people who need me. I have heard Uncle Neil telling Riff that he loved me like a son. And Merry, she has no one but me. Of course our uncle would take care of her, but I promised to be there, not him.

Slowly I fall down to my knees, unable to hold back my tears any longer. After a few moments I sob violently.

The priest is taking Merry away.

Then I feel strong arms around me. Uncle Neil is holding me and bury my face in his chest.

"It's alright, Cain. Let it all out." He's not ashamed of me, he's not thinking about what people might say. It feels good to be held like that. Only Riff has ever done that before.

That thought brings up new tears.

_**I awake and I find **_

_**You asleep **_

_**In the deep of my heart, dear**_

After what seems a long time I finally stop crying, but remain in the older man's embrace. I close my eyes, desperately trying to calm down.

"It's alright to be sad, Cain. But remember that he will always be with you, deep in your heart."

First I want to yell at him, I want to tell him that he's gone, that he'll never be with me again, but I remain silent.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe Riff is somewhere close, watching me...

_**Darling I hope**_

_**That my dream never haunted you**_

_**My heart is telling you **_

_**How much I wanted you**_

Finally I manage to get back to my feet, Uncle Neil is still supporting me. When I turn around to face him I see that everyone has left the church. I look into my uncle's face and try to reassure him with a small smile. "Could you please leave me alone for a moment?"

He hesitates, concern shining in his eyes. Eventually he nods. "All right. I'll be right outside if you need me."

The other man waits for me to nod and then slowly he leaves.

I turn back to look into Riff's peaceful face. I swallow hard, trying to find my voice. "If you really can see and hear me - I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you how much I love you when I had the chance." A sob escapes my lips, but I don't start crying again. It would just prevent me from saying what I have to say. "Yes, I have taken a bottle of poison with me. But I know you wouldn't approve. Don't worry, I won't do it." I hoped that he would forgive me, that he wouldn't be burdened with me thinking of suicide. "I promise I won't."

Again I can't find the right words. But I hope that he knows, that he understands what I am trying to say.

A sad smile comes to my lips. If anyone would have told me a few weeks ago that I would be talking to a dead person I would have laughed at him. I have never been a religious person.

And still I believe that he is with me now, that he can hear every word I say.

"I will never love another, Riff, I promise. I will live for the moment when we will finally meet again, even if it takes a long time." I gently caress his cheek. "Please wait for me."

Then I lean down and kiss him for the first - and for the last - time...

_**Gloomy Sunday**_

_The End_


End file.
